I realized I was going on and on about SCRUM and its pitfalls without explaining what it is and why anyone cares. I've only sort of handwaved at stories and tasks and product owners and backlogs. But! The Internet will save us all! Why explain when one can embed a video from youtube?
Embedded below is Intro to Agile Scrum in under 10 Minutes. Watch it. Done? Great. Now we are all on the same page.